Before and After

before spink and harold and the outhouse the accident ami the dog and 
the fire 
before moving east to join paul making common ground 
before carnegie hall and the un general assembly
before recording 26 solo recordings 
before meeting david and 40 years of incredible marriage and creative partnership
before moving to orcas island 
before 26 years, 56 tours in Japan 
before countless untold adventures on the Way 

after years of persistent childhood illnesses hospitals docs procedures and 
a somewhat miraculous recovery 
after the elementary school gang and hootenanny on the hill behind
after a move to a st louis suburb for high school and 
a new job for my dad at an industrial clinic in the city
after singing 7 days a week in choirs
after developing vocal nodes and 
months long enforced vocal silence in high school
after a short attempt at university in ames and 
dropping out to protest the war and join the counter culture

after driving west to denver and 
changing my image by wearing 
false eyelashes a waist length wig and white gogo boots 
to become the chick singer in the good day sunshine band with 
three vets just back from the war in nam i’d been protesting 
after a brief stint as the upright bass player 
in a bluegrass band at the red ram in the mountain town of evergreen
after i quit good day sunshine band 
a belated feminist wakeup call 
after i discovered the 3 guys were being paid twice what i was 
for playing 7 nights a week in a dive bar on east colfax 

i retreated back to ames iowa and 
took a gig playing solo at tork’s pub 
the smallest bar in the world 
retaining my wildly inappropriate makeover from denver 
just me and my guitar
where i met my future partner in a practice marriage 
at the age of 20

mark approached me during a break between sets 
saying i’d like to get into your head
hmmm and he did  
he was 6 years older newly returned from a stint in the peace corps in africa handsome blond with twinkly blue eyes 
clearly a daily stoner 
it took a while for me to not be amused by this 
but it wasn’t that long
before i moved into his basement room 
i did my first of a very few very disquieting acid trips there with him

there were all kinds of signs of big trouble i tried to ignore

like
the first time I took him home to meet my parents
he sat on their couch and pulled a flask of jim beam out of his coat pocket
and sat there drinking defiantly
quite an impression on my parents

but i was smitten

we were married soon after
in a hippie ceremony in the arboretum 
at the ripe old age of 21

we moved around the corner into one of the original tiny houses built by architecture students at the university in the 40s after the war 
a backyard where 
we hosted our wedding reception with 
my father’s gift of 
2 cases of his newest discovery
boones farm apple wine
mark dropped a couple tabs of something to celebrate
i was clueless
(after reading the original post my sister informed me that everyone was doing mda that mark passed around to the wedding party again I was clueless)

did I mention that we decided it would be a good idea
to buy an old ambulance and paint it bright orange

restless 
eventually we felt the call of the road 
bought an old school bus remade it moved in and 
migrated to an artist colony of all things 
in the ne iowa town of garrison
rented an old house there for two months 
trying to resolve the restlessness again we moved back into the bus 
rented a cape cod style guest house on a farm outside ames a few miles from the town of roland where both mark and his sister were adopted and grew up 

his sister later shared with me that mark had always been a disturbed person and tormented her as a child 

after a few months in the cape cod house it was apparent to both of us
that our restlessness would not be solved by moving 
mark was employed in an unfulfilling job driving a cement truck 8 hours a day 
i was playing homemaker having left my life as a musician behind 
not happy

once I asked him why he was stoned all the time
he replied because I can't stand myself when I'm not 

one day we decided that each of us would come up with ways to improve 
our situation 
our marriage 
within a few hours i knew what i could do 
i could quit bitching at mark about whatever was bugging me 
relieve the stress 
open new horizons 

i couldn’t wait for him to come home so i could share 
when he did he bound in the door animated and excited 	
oh susan i know what we can do
i said i do too and but you go first
mark said we can rob banks 
i have a gun
you can drive the car 
there are lots of small banks around here 

what’s your idea 

for a moment i was blank
and then replied 
i realized that i need to move back into town 
get a job and 
learn to support myself  

the marriage was over 

i packed up and moved out the next day 
into a tiny apartment a street over from the tiny house 
got a job as a barmaid at a special bar 
my architecture friends had designed and built 
named rippeys orchard 
after the land they bought for us  all to live on in ne missouri 
toward the dream

a band from south dakota came through to play one weekend 
on the spacious stage 
included in the 3 floor open concept building 
someone asked if susan one of the servers
could sit in with the band
she can really sing
we did summertime and shortly 
after the applause died down 
the blueberry buckle band asked me to join as member # 5  
and i did
boyd dennis al and dave folded me in
i moved  to sioux falls 
and a new life in music
  

after a year right about the time iowa passed no fault divorce
mark sent me the papers 
the judge said where is your wife
mark replied she joined a rock and roll band and moved to sioux falls
the judge decreed marriage dissolved

recently 
as i was beginning to write about this time in my life 
i  tried to find mark as I had through the years 
losing track of  him since our split so long ago 
i always wished him well 
i couldn’t find any sign of him on the net or through mutual friends 
i then realized i might find his sister 
she would know where he was 
and there her email was on good old google 
she returned my message an hour later 
with the sad news 

mark had walked into the forested wilderness of new mexico 
somewhere in 2012 or so and 
taken his own life
his body was not found for a few years because of a devastating forest fire

i weep for the beautiful man 
who got into my head 
and heart and
who was lost in the wilderness 
long long long 
before and after 

Her Heart
from HUMMINGBIRD
w/Gordon Johnson Bass; Ralf Illenberger Guitar
Her Heart

Her heart holds the whole world
Silent embrace
Weary old world

Empty now
Filling with light
Spills into the night
Body of light

	How can a heart be so full of nothing
	An emptiness so vast
	No thing can contain it
	Beyond  the land of regret and longing
	Sunlight on rain
	Wind whistling through an empty house
	A handful of salt in the sea
	
	
Mother of the world have mercy on us
Now and at the hour of our death
Into the hands of emptiness I return my soul
Have mercy have mercy

	There is no holy one but this
	There is no other to be kissed
	This is no unattainable bliss
	Just this just this